i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
