PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
