Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
