I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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