I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
