Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We need to get me chipped asap
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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