I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
