I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Redeem this text for a blowjob
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
