he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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