I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
