Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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