yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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