I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
