you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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