I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
