well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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