I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize