Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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