I think scott just propositioned me for sex
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
