do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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