You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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