How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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