dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
