Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
