fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
