My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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