you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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