I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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