FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
