her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
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i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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