She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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