so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
