she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
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If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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