I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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