you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
