peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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