More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
