I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize