I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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