By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
