I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
