Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm sobbing to NWA
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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