Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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