i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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