in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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