Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
