why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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