Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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