Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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