I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
