She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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