Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
