I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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