Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
